Acquired Indecisiveness Disorder

So me and one of my lady friends was doing the chit chat thing today. I was tellin' her how I want to go ahead and take a few model pics with a professional photographer, and the fact that the two I have in my life are.... not so much. Not that they aren't good but they be on that bouji tip when it comes to taking pics. I wanna say that I've been kinda tryna take pics for the past.... oh, year or so. But still to no avail. Well anywho, I was telling her that I wanted to take pics but knowing me, I would want to do the make up and direct the shoot. I have soooooo many ideas in my head and I feel like I get overloaded when it comes to putting them down. I have scenery, make up ideas, outfits.. everything to the T ( or should I say G) but still... I haven't done anything about it.
A couple of months ago, I decided that before I hit 25 I was going to accomplish two goals a) go to Haiti b) get my motorcycle.. Well the latter of the two ain't gonna happen because I let "New Boy." intimidate me with his stories of traumas..... Which kinda sucked... I sooo had my heart set on a crouch rocket..... and a letter jacket. So needless to say, I finalized that plan to just going to Haiti by the time I the big 2-5. But know that I think about it.. I'll go when I go.. no hurry. It will get done....
Problem #2:
I always wanted to be a Doctha growing up ( hence the name). Well... going through school, I keep "dumbing it down just because I didn't want to be the fool that spent 8 years in school only to decide.. yeah, I wanna be something else.. So of course I went through the whole career assessments, guidance counselors office and came up with these alternative careers: Psychologist, Cosmetologist, Nurse, and Writer/Artist. So I decided, since my ultimate goal is in health care, I choose nurse. That way I could get my feet wet and really decide if it was for me.. We'll I decided, MD is for me.. But that's not where my disorder kicks in. It kicks in when I realize that it gonna take me forever to finish school. By the time I graduate, you might as well stick a pair of depends on me and call it a day..... Hell by the time I'm a doctha, OBGYN TO BE EXACT, I would have already gone through menopause and wouldn't even know what a period feels like.. How am I suppose to symphatize with my patients then.... NO beueno. So
Problem #3:
One morning, I decided I wanted to go to the military. Well... now the choice is Military vs. Grad School vs. Med school.. I'm doing too much. And IDK whats the best choice to make. I wish 70's were the new 40's, then I wouldn't feel as remotely bad for being a confused child as I am.

I could go on forever with my Problem vs. Problems, but I'll end here

Til Pen and Paper Conversate,
I'm Ghost

p.s I promise, I'll be coming back with pics.. my digi is out of commish right now, and it hurts me sooo bad, cuz Im just sooo amped to share my Thrifted/Fashion World with you guyz

The mini Evolution of Me.

To whom much is given, much is required. Lately I've been bothered by the standards that some set for others and not themselves. If you're gonna set expectations for me, please check your self at the door. Double standards is not whats up. Once upon a time, I had a friend. This friend always looked down at what I did, but when it came to her actions. She saw no harm in it. I understand that as a Christina its important to lead a clean lifestyle and its also your responsiblity to spread the Word. I get that. But I believe that some where in the word it states not to judge.

"My God is my judge, no gown, no gavel."
I believe that Im also the type of person that would give you the world if Im allowed to, but when it comes to myself I always short change my self. Does that make sense??? Should it be the other way around or should it even be on the same playing field. I love to love. I remember at time when I was in love so bad that it hurt. <<>

360 Resolution

I think I know what it felt like to be in the Titanic while it drowned, or I've experienced the same emotion that a drunken mother faces when she's on rock bottom and doesn't know where her next bottle is coming from. I've been through it, still going through it, and trying to get out. It seems like bad news happens in single file. One then another then another then another....... But no worries at this point. Due to the fact that I have an exceptional crew. I was able to make it through that portion... Which allows me to place alot of things in perspectives...... People that front, gets NO WHERE.

Also, I hope to get through the hate I instilled in my heart for certain individuals....

IN OTHER NEWS:

here are some things I have lined up:

-Find another productive past time

-Start my locs

- Buy a sewing machine

-Fix my camera

I hope this week leads me to good spirits.

Diary of a Mad Black Nurse....

So lately, I've been noticing a trend. I am always madd. I'm the type of person that, gets upset if you take too long to ring up my purchases, or give me the wrong order, or undermind me. Why? IDK! I just do. Im working on it. Been doing these weird excerise that I talk myself into calming down when I feel the need to get upset coming on.

On the other hand, I've been going through this change. This change seems to me like it can be both benificial and detrimental to others around me.
I the type of girl who shops to ease my mind, and vents in my head......... Lyrics consumes my moods and pavement eleviates some of my distress.

Til' pen and paper conversate,

I'm Ghost

p.s. I promise I'll come back with pictures. The digi is out of comission right now :(

Deliriums Corner

So, this is how the game works....

Group of people stand on the side lines...

Two captains are appointed.

As the crowd gets smaller in size, the captain makes their choices on who is going to be on each team. This can be based by popularity, personal gain, or likeness.

When asked who's team I want to be on, I chose........

You see I don't have any of those things. Not really that popular, have nothing to offer you, and not liked very much....So who chose me?

NO ONE.

I sit in Deliriums Corner and watch the game from the sideline. I wouldn't add my two cents as to what "play" should be played, or what strategy to use.

Ever heard the term "Go play in traffic?"

I'm there, doing that.

Til pen and paper conversate,

I'm Ghost.

In the Attempt

WEARING: FOREVER 21 LOVE T SHIRT. VINTAGE SHORTS (NOT SHOWN) MAC: CLARITY, AQUATIC BLUE AND STARS AND ROCKETS.
EXCUSE THE FURNITURE LESS APT.

I've been kinda MIA for the past couple of weeks in the attempt to work overtime to accomplish certain dreams. I am currently in the process of making a life altering decision and need to clear alot of things out of the way before we go on whether it a yes or no...

In other news.

I just celerbrated by birthday... I had a wonderful experience. This years theme, TAKING A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE.....

Decisions, decisions, decisions......

Okay yesterday I had a thought while I was at work. Over the years you all have come to know me as being a radical person. I usually make decisions now, then expose them later. This is pretty much going to be the same deal. I'm planning on doing all the research I can do, in finding out if this decision will be beneficial or detrimental to me and my loved ones ( not that some of you care what I do anymore). But I have actively taken a part in searching out the right answer for this one. They say to "Pray about things." Doing that. "Talk to people that is already there or been there." Doing that. "Search within yourself to see if this is what you really want to do." Doing that. I just hope that this decision will bring much happiness and no grief to those around me.
Til' pen and paper conversate,
I'm Ghost.

Love Is Pain

This statement doesn't stand for the cliche situation: relationships. I believe its true for any and everything. the most basic need of a human is to be loved. This can come in any way shape or form ( classmates, coworkers, family, etc)

I think something else falls in to this catagory also.... The things we love to do can be painful. Whether its loving to eat outgetting fat, getting your hair done= time waisted, having children=need I say more.

I think I found my painful love and don't know what to do with it.

Til pen and paper conversate,
I'm Ghost

Personality Disorder vs Alter Ego

I was chit chatting with the bestie quite sometime ago and told her I have an alter ego. Where sometimes I come off as super quiet, sometimes mean, sometimes like I have a chip on my shoulder ( because I don't walk around with a smile) and like I'm just a nervous wreck. But my alter ego is SUPER fun, outgoing, disruptive, and sometimes need to be censored because I blurt out random thoughts.

Now a coworker of mines once asked me if I'm having personality issues because it seems like when I come in with "new hair" I seem to be a new person to her. Better yet I think it was the idea that I kept going from totally different extremes with my hair. One day I'd be banged with long sleek straight hair, the next week I would be all curled out.

So whats the verdict

Til pen and paper conversate,

I'm Ghost

Yeah, Im talkin to you!!!!

This is just something I just gotta get off my chest. I've always told people " I can be one of the nicest people you ever meet, or I can be the biggest itch, you ever met." I say that intentionally, but its an empty threat unless you cross me. Recently I had the privilege of finding out some very important information in regards to some of my friendship. It seems that these same "friends" were the ones picking on me, and making fun of me when I was not around. Now I'm the type of person, If I love (as in cool with) you ( or maybe even just like you) I will give you the shirt off my back and the shoes off my feet just to guarantee your comfort over mines. Ive been through a tough childhood/adulthood and would shield anyone else from going through some of the things that I've been thru. But you wouldn't know that, would you? I don't hang a big banner over my head stating my series of unfortunate events because I don't feel that I need to. (Kinda like that Zoloft commercial with the sad dude with the cloud over his head.) So why in the world would you get some sick twisted joy over putting me down. I've been nothing but a friend to you. Inviting you to events that I was attending, calling just to check up on you to make sure that you was okay. Wasting 1 of 1000 text messages to find out how was your day, and what do I get in return....Crap. You are an adult... once again I ask, What joy do yo get out of it. In grade school it woulda flew because that what made some of the kids popular You'd get more friends, you get an reputation around campus so others wouldn't want to step to you. But guess what??? YOU ARE AN ADULT NOW. Theres no clicks, or in crowd in the corporate world. Its a dog eat dog world, and you can be replaced in a heart beat. Here you are making these "stories" up about so and so and so and so and trying to glam up the &h!t hole of a life you have now and you got the nerve to laugh at me???? Some one whose show diversity thru adversity and turned my life of rags to riches????That's a joke.. Better yet you are a JOKE. Some one with a Napoleon Complex who feels the need to be the life of the party.. how old are you again.. I though so.....

Something like Insomnia

I remember a time in life where I was able to sleep my cares away. I would be having an issue with someone and I would crawl into bed and rest, or if the issue resided in my house, I would drive my car to a secluded spot, cock my seat back, poetry book in my hand and lay. One time I fell asleep in my schools parking lot and didn't make it home until 12 am or so because I was so madd and didn't want to be found. Of course there was an APB out on me, but I was content. Lately, I haven't had the joy of implementing my once favorite pastime into my life. When I lay down and attempt to sleep, I toss, and turn. I started snapping at everyone around me because of my lack of a better pastime. The million dollar questions is: Why am I afraid to sleep??? I think the answer is: I don't control my dreams anymore and lately those dreams has been turning into nightmares. I don't want to close my eyes and face the reality called "My World." I rather stay awake and day dream and assume everything is in perfect order.

Til Pen and Paper Conversate,

I'm Ghost

WEARING fOREVER 21 LINEN WHITE VEST, RANDOM SPAGHETTI STRAP TANK TOP, AND DESTROYED JEANS FROM BODY SHOP.

MAKEUP: WHITE KOHL PENCIL, ISADORA DARK BLUE, HIP BLUE, AND oH BABY MAC LIPGLASS.

p.s. I met Chris Brown today!!!!!

Barbie looking for Ken!!!!

Good Morning peoples!!! Its been quite sometime since I posted ( prob about 2 days, and thats like forever in my world!!!) But today I don't have much of a discussion for you. I'm trying to figure out why Im so indecisve in certain areas but then Im so ready and know what I want in others....... For instance. Me and my Chickadees can go out and attempt to eat at either an authentic restaraunt or the usual hang out ( Cafe Tu Tu Tango, Rice and Beans, Five Guys etc.) I will spend over 10 minutes mulling over the menu as if Im going to try something new and end up getting the same ole, same ole. But he'res the kicker.....

when it comes to my so and so. I know what I want, who I want, and how I want it. You see it was one of those accidental love type stories, where we didn't know what we we were getting ourselves into, but when were were in it, WE LIKED IT. We have this love hate relationship. I've tried the whole: Hey lets go out and meet new people bit, and Im not gonna lie, I meet some pretty interesting people. Lets see.. there was the time I was dating the drug dealer and didn't even know it. I mean I thought his money was legit. He was a pizza boy and I thinking his customers must really like him.. Then months later ( of course after our 1 month course of "hey what your doing tonight." I was combing thru the find details of our "shindig" and my friend brought it to my attention. That was classic. Even if I was oblivious to the whole extra hustle on the side. But I know I want Ken. Whether its in his kiss, his touch or just how he makes me feel when I lay for countless hours and think about our LOVE/HATE, I blush!!!!!!

WEARING VINTAGE TUBE TOP DRESS THAT WAS THRIFTED. FUCSHIA LIPSTICK WITH MAC PINK POODLE ON TOP. LASHES, MILANI MAKE UP AND LITTLE BIT OF BLUSH

Respect, a four letter word

Now you might be wondering, how did I turn a 7 letter word and condense it down. Easy. LOVE. We respect others out of love. No necessarily that. Oh, I'm so passionate for you type of love. But that Christian love. I will respect my fellow neighbor because the type of love God placed in me to respect my "brother/sister?' Romans 13:7 "Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor."

Dr. Wendy Presiding

So.. I recently noticed a trend in my incoming calls lately. On the other line I had a friend who was always divulging problems about Person XYZ, or Situation ABC. I could do nothing but oblige to listen attentively and give my 3.5 cents. Whether they decided to listen to me or not was a different matter. My patient left in confidence that new light was shed upon the once hard situation and was able to tackle the problem head on with the verbal courage dished out by yours truly. But, the question is: Who listens to me? Who's couch do I have the privilege to lay on when I feel like I need some verbal stamina? Who dissects my story and places it in perfect order so I may be able to conquer my fears. Last night I was asked what is my biggest fear. I chose not to answer the question because once your fear is spoken, it may be brought to life. REJECTION. I've turned My biggest fear into a list of fears. NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH. I've always tried to manage and build up coping mechanisms that would help me to provide tangible evidence that I am a strong woman. BEING BELITTLED. But the fact of the matter is: I AM NOT.

WEARING RANDOM FOREVER 21 TSHIRT.

Til pen and paper conversate,

I'm Ghost

Neglectin' to Respect

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Days before I decided to cut my hair, I decided to do a mess side sweep.

So then there was the time where I though growing up respect meant something. Now, it seems like just a word that ppl use just to "make you feel good."

I have always tried to be a good example to my siblings growing up. I fought tooth and nail to find the last one to my missing puzzle only to realize that, she didn't feel the same.

So then theres the other siblings I grew up around. The younger ones were always close to me. I was known as "the cool big sister." Now things have changed. Puberty kicked in, breast rose, hair grew where there was none before and I am left forgotten..... now Im know as the "the stanger." Interesting how the tables have turned.

13-5=8. Its all good, I have eight more I can worry about!!!!!!

Til pen and paper conversate,

I'm Ghost

wearing: forever 21 silk blazer. plain wife beater, AIDS awareness pin, and forver 21 pleated wrap skirt.

Birds of a Feather????

I can count my friends on one hand.........

So why the grief? I'd like to think of myself as someone who is considerate of others feelings. Meaning if you don't look right or I don't agree with what you are saying or doing, or if you DISRESPECT me, I'm not gonna call you out in front of every Tom, Dick or Harry to embarrass you. I'd rather wait until we are behind closed doors to let you know that's not cool....... SO I ask again..... WHY THE GRIEF?

WHISPERING: IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING????


WEARING: THIRTED TURLENECK.

Solitude Confines Me

So Im minding my business at work today, doing my same ole, same ole. AND IT HITS ME....
i MIGHT die an old lonely woman. The thought kind of disturbed me because here I am with friends who have the wonderful blissful interactions, and where am I at: NOTHING. I feel like im the constant link when it comes to conflict. Why is that. Its not like Im the "all in your face type of girl." Im usually chillin in the background when things go down. Then theres the perception thing....................... Why I gotta come off as a BITCH just cuz I don't smile. I DON'T OWE THAT TO NO ONE BUT MYSELF..... dang.. Its hard being black at a time like this.....

So its going on 1 month 1/2 of no hair...... At times I feel like my feminity is gone.....Going out with the homies I gotta work extra hard to play my part because I can't do the whole jean and t shirt bit... I gotta go all out....


day one march 2, 2009



april 17,2009

So excited. I bought a new shirt at Goodwill for 1.84, and that was half price... ( Go me, go me {silently doing the cabbage patch})

Til pen and paper conversate, I'm Ghost..........................................

I'm back.....

So I havent been on my blog in a long time. SEveral reasons why: been busy with school, work, and church. Reasons why im coming back???? Im ready to start blogging agian.

New year means new changes. I have made several.

My hair:
I was relaxed, did the natural thing for about 3 years, went back to the relaxer, and going to do the natural loc thing for ? years. Im soooo thru with my hair. I cut it short, then was going back natural then fell in love with the Rihanna cut. So here I am agian back to square one.

My fashion:
Me and my bestie are two thrift store queens. Im addicted to it. Of course you never find anything exactly your size but all that matters is that if its bigger, you can always take it in. When I get my digi back from NY. I will post pics up of our thrift store finds..... Forever 21 rules my life. Going back thru my collection of clothes I noticed I have ALOT of items from there. I know Im addicted to it...

Make up:
I'd like to say I got much better in the make up game. Before my color was barely staying on.... by the end of the night, the question would be: You had eyeshadow on? now Im attemtpting to wow them with the MAC.....my bank account is going bankupt though......

Til pen and paper conversate,
I'm Ghost.